I am not happy anymore

I am not happy anymore.

I am not sad either. Let me tell you my story. Maybe you would find it interesting.

I was born and brought up in an environment where every other day, there was a lot of tension in the air. An environment where there can't be any mental and emotional growth. A child growing up to see only fights, ego battles, and an environment where genuine curiosity, depth, and emotional flowering isn't given much importance.

Naturally that did two things - made me emotionally very sensitive where I could sense a change in air almost instantly, notice very little things, and also, a constant desire to chase happiness and give happiness to people. 

Pursuit of happiness. To get out of the infinite web of sadness and be infinitely happy. Chasing happiness by any means. In the process, I had a lot of moments of intense happiness, and....... unintended intense sadness of the same intensity. I was happy, sad, happy, sad - but somewhere, something didn't feel right. 

One day due to a rather bad incident, a part of my structure broke down, pretty intensely. And suddenly, I see I am not happy anymore - not with something or somebody, it is just that I didn't seek happiness anymore, I didn't crave for being happy - and quite counterintuitively, I felt a lot of freedom in that - something which I am still processing as I write about it. A huge flush of peace inside me gave a taste of permanence that happiness/sadness doesn't provide with its momentary outbursts. 

Suddenly, the stimulus that could punch me off with a lot of happiness or misery lost control over me. I have not denied myself happiness or sadness - I can be both happy and sad, but suddenly the attachment to that impulse is gone! It dawned as a non-philosophical realisation that there is a space of permanence beyond the polarities of happiness and sadness.

Both happiness and sadness distort our experience of life. A steady view emerges from peace. I believe this state is a better operating point and more consistent than the highs and lows that the emotional being experiences with attachment to temporary feelings.

So, I am not happy. I am not sad either - but I am really at peace. Accepting of life. With no urgency in a flowing, unimaginably diverse creation. Observing my mind more closely, and being more aware of myself.